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Thursday, August 11, 2005

Short Funny Quotes on Government, Daily Quotes, Cute Quotes


The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

- Oscar Levant "Daily Quotes", Short Funny Quotes, "Short Funny Jokes", Famous Quotes, Cute Quotes

4 comments:

macvegan said...

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

macvegan

macvegan said...

democrats eat the fish they catch....republicans hang them on the wall.....macvegan

macvegan said...

republicans sleep in twin beds, that is why there are more democrats.....macvegan

macvegan said...

How do you keep a republican busy all day?
Put him in a round room & tell him to wait in the corner.

Why do republicans wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

What do republicans do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

Why did the republican state at the forzen juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate."

Why don't republicans have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

Why do republicans work 7 days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What's the difference between Elvis & a smart republican?
Elvis has been sighted.

How does a republican commit suicide?
He gathers all his hate into a pile & jumps off.

What's every republican's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White & learn the alphabet.

What are the worst 6 years in a republican's life?
Third grade

How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night

Why do republicans hate M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.

Why did the republican break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

How can you tell a FAX was sent by a republican?
There's a stamp on it.

Why is it good to have a republican passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What happens when a republican has Alzheimers disease?
His IQ goes up!

What do you get when you offer a republican a penny for his thoughts?
Change.

What do you call a cellar full of republicans?
A whine cellar.

What do you call 10 republicans standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel

What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A dope ring

What do you call a republican in an institute of higher learning?
A visitor

What do you call a republican with half a brain?
Gifted

What's the only way a republican can raise his IQ?
Standing on a chair.

What do you call it when a republican gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.

Why is a republican's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
Because it swells at night.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 republicans.

Why is a republican like a scud missile?
Both are offensive & inaccurate.

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll pass a law forcing school children to pray to God to take the dark away.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1, but first he'll have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money holding a congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone else wastes money. Then he'll have a special investigator spend another $40 million on it.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb at their national convention?
10,001. 1 lonely African American to change it & 10,000 white men to complain Affirmative Action is unneccesary.

What's the difference between a republican & the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between a dead republican lying on the road & a dead squirrel lying on the road?
You feel sorry for the squirrel.

What's the difference between a republican & a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Since repubicans want to go to the good old pre-1950s days when contraceptives were banned, what do republicans use for birth controll?
Their personalities.

How can you tell if a republican is dead?
The whisky bottle is full & the comics haven't been touched.

What's the difference between a puppy & republican who the lobbyist didn't pay enough?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Why are republican hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a republican & a sack of manure?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete.

What's the ideal weight for a republican?
About 2.5 lbs, including the urn.

What's the difference between God & a republican?
God knows he's not a republican.

What's the definition of a republican running for congress for the 1st time?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

Why should you never have anal intercourse?
Because that's how republicans are made.

Why don't republicans like anal sex?
They don't like their brains being screwed with.

What did the republican think of his new computer?
He didn't like it because he couldn't get the Pat Robertson channel.

What's the difference between a republican & a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
frosted flakes

What's 5 km long & has an IQ of 40?
a republican parade

What's the difference between a Democrat & a republican?
No one minds if you spill beer on a republican.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the republican declaring his God-given right to eat him.

What's the difference between a republican & a congressman?
The republican can force you to pray.

Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
So much of it passed through republicans.

How do republicans traditionally greet each other?
Hi, I'm better than you.

What's the diference between a world war & a republican promise?
The republican promise causes more suffering.

How can you tell if a republican is actually dead?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a penny & a republican promise?
Read my lips--a penny's worth more.

A lapsing republican goes into a drug store to buy some rubbers so he can practise safe sex instead of just saying no. He walks up to the pharmacist & asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3, plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the republican. "I wondered how you kept them on."

A radio announcer was reporting 1 republican hate speech, anti-poor, & pro-gun jackpot rally, etc. after another, until the republican driver got mad & turned his radio off. 1 mile down the road he saw another republican out in a wheatfield in a boat rowing. The republican stopped his car, jumped out, & yelled "You jerk, it's republicans like you who give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there & give you what's coming to you."

republicans want to give fetuses equal or superior rights over women's bodies, even if it threats a woman's physical health--even when the fetus doesn't have a functioning human brain, or any brain at all. You only have to say one thing--republicans take care of their own.

For years, a young attourney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed to have sex with the innkeeper's daughter. The next time he arrived, he was looking forward to an exciting few days. He dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap.
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would've rushed up here, we could've gotten married, & the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said. "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night thinking & talking, & we decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a republican."

Biggest joke of the year: republican fairness

Phillip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off 2 republican senators.

If I had half a mind, I'd be a republican.

Be kind. Remember that sex IS a sin, the way republicans do it.

Al Gore, George W. Bush, & Rush Limbaugh are riding in a helicopter together. Rush decides to make one person happy & drops a dollar bill out of the helicopter. Bush wants to make five people happy, & drops five dollar bills out of the helicopter. Al Gore decides to do something to make everyone in the States happy, and drops Bush & Limbaugh out of the helicopter.

2 republicans are in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coathanger. The first one said, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked." The second one replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up & try harder, it's starting to rain & the top is down!"

A republican found a magic genie's lamp & rubbed it. The genie said, "I'll grant you 1 wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter." So the genie made him a democrat.